How the x became a sign of female solidarity in the age of harassment

One letter of the alphabet has more currency than all the others combined. That letter is “x”. 

Unlike in mathematics, the value of “x” is known in the era of internet messaging. That “x” is most often used to convey a kiss when affixed to the end of a text, DM, or email. 

And in an era when women are met with hostility and vitriol on the internet, this tiny, inconsequential letter can be used to communicate solidarity and support during particularly dark times.

There was a time when I thought the addition of an “x” from strangers and professional acquaintances slightly disingenuous. Those days are gone, though. After a bout of deeply vicious online harassment, I realised kindness on the internet was something that’s in all too short a supply. This profoundly isolating experience made me completely change my mind about how I felt about receiving “digital kisses” from strangers online. 

Last September, I endured a two-day stint of particularly aggressive harassment on Twitter after I wrote an article arguing that women and LGBTQ people shouldn’t be the punchlines of political jokes. Seems like a pretty reasonable point to make, right? Well, apparently not. I ended up on the receiving end of insults from a group of free-speech defenders who decided I needed to be put in my place. As well as hurling a lot of nasty abuse at me, these trolls went through my recent tweets and personal essays I’d written about my love life. They mocked the fact that a recent Hinge match had stood me up for date, and they told me I should change careers and find something I’m actually good at. According to one troll, it’s “unsurprising” that I got stood up because my dates must look me up and “realise what a childish nightmare” I’d be to date. Um, OK?

For two days straight, I lived in a state of heart-racing anxiety, constantly checking my phone to try to stem the torrent of abuse. Incidentally, this bout of trolling kicked off on my best friend’s 30th birthday, which basically meant I ended up sitting in the corner of a sticky dance floor in a Clapham nightclub at midnight, trawling through my mentions to make sure everything was under control. Even though I was in a crowded room full of people, I have never felt more alone in my whole life. When friends realised what was going on, they swooped into my DMs to express their support and solidarity. They sent heart emoji and “digital kisses”. It doesn’t sound like much, but when you’ve been up against a barrage of vitriol, it was profoundly touching.

Since that incident, I’ve paid closer attention to women’s tweets about harassment and abuse. In the mentions, you’ll always find the same thing: scores of other women responding with messages of love and support — usually signed off with a kiss or a heart emoji. 

“It’s definitely like a digital hug in solidarity.”

Dr Mariann Hardey — professor in marketing at Durham University Durham University Business School’., whose research focuses on how women share their stories of chronic pain on Facebook, Twitter, and Reddit — says the “x” has become “a way of showing advocacy and support from an anonymous internet stranger” — particularly among women. 

“The advocacy of the kiss is a really interesting new cultural form,” Hardey tells me. “It’s that extension of kindness in reaching out and the expectation of nothing in return.” She’s noticed that the bicep emoji is also a popular “show of strength” when people are sharing stories that are personal, sensitive, and traumatic. 

Hardey says that an “x” can also be used in isolation without any further words to communicate support. “Just an “x” as a reply as a response is acceptable, you don’t have to have an extra narrative explaining what you meant,” she adds. “In those contexts I’ve never read it as something that’s overtly sexual or flirtatious — it’s definitely like a digital hug in solidarity.”

Last week was one marked by extreme misogynistic vitriol aimed at UK Labour MP Jess Phillips. UKIP candidate Carl Benjamin “joked” in a YouTube video that he might rape Phillips. “There’s been an awful lot of talk about whether I would or wouldn’t rape Jess Phillips,” Benjamin said on his YouTube channel Sargon of Akkad on April 26. “I’ve been in a lot of trouble for my hardline stance of not even raping her. I suppose with enough pressure I might cave. But let’s be honest, nobody’s got that much beer.” 

Guess what I am finding hard is the awakening to an even bigger audience of the “would we or wouldn’t we rape Jess Phillips” because of legitimising of the perpetrator. I’ve dealt with it in drips for nearly 4 years and just deleted or blocked. It’s like a torrent at the moment

— Jess Phillips (@jessphillips) May 5, 2019

The abuse didn’t end there. Phillips also tweeted a screenshot of Twitter’s response to her reporting someone who said she needed “a good fucking to sort out” her teeth, which Twitter said was not in violation of its rules against abuse. To add insult to injury, Phillips was accosted in the street by a man as she left parliament, who asked why Benjamin isn’t allowed to joke about raping her before yelling, “I pay your wages.”

Just leaving Westminster and and man ran down the street along side me asking me about why Carl Benjamin shouldn’t be able to joke about my rape. Shouting “I pay your wages”.

— Jess Phillips (@jessphillips) May 7, 2019

Phillips told the BBC’s Victoria Derbyshire programme that she “cried in the street” after hearing Benjamin’s video. Misogynist invective is something Phillips has been dealing with since becoming an MP in 2015. In 2018, she spoke out about receiving 600 rape threats in one night and said she’d “stopped counting” the number of abusive messages she’s received.

One thing that was really heartening to see in the midst of this barrage of misogyny was the messages of solidarity in response to Phillips’ tweets. I could see scores of women responding to her tweets with kind, supportive words, often signed off with one “x” or more. 

I’m so sorry you have to deal with this rancid shit, Jess. For what’s its worth. you are ace. x

— Sarah Phelps (@PhelpsieSarah) May 3, 2019

Real Life. Real News. Real Voices

Help us tell more of the stories that matter

Become a founding member

I am so sorry you have to deal with this filth, and that those who make these threats go unregulated and unpunished. Sending love and solidarity xx

— Sue Perkins (@sueperkins) May 5, 2019

💪 we’ve got your back xx

— Caroline Criado Perez (@CCriadoPerez) May 5, 2019

Women are harassed on Twitter every 30 seconds, per a major 2018 study by Amnesty International. One of the main problems standing in the way of fully tackling this problem is social media companies’ — particularly Twitter’s — inaction in the face of widespread misogynistic abuse. In the report, Amnesty International’s senior advisor for tactical research, Milena Marin, said:
“Twitter’s failure to crack down on this problem means it is contributing to the silencing of already marginalised voices.” 

“Twitter is a place where racism, misogyny and homophobia are allowed to flourish basically unchecked,” Marin continued. 

It might not seem like much, but showing your support to someone who’s having a really rough time can go a long way. 

It’s an absolute disgrace that you’re having to deal with this Jess. Sending love xx

— Rosalind Sack (@Ros_Sack) May 5, 2019

These people are absolute garbage. And those who say “just ignore them” drive me almost as nuts. I’m sorry this is happening AGAIN. We are all behind you. Xx

— Sali Hughes (@salihughes) May 5, 2019

This is absolutely grotesque. Jess I’m so sorry you are feeling tired and low. The sisterhood stands with you. Courage X

— Sophie Walker (@SophieRunning) May 3, 2019

While social media companies are often slow to respond to rife online abuse and hostility, the very least we bystanders can do in times like these is express our solidarity and support — whether that means DMing a person to say that you’re sorry to see what’s happening and that they don’t deserve it, or simply tweeting a heart emoji at someone. 

Solidarity Jess. It’s disgusting x

— Tracy Ann Oberman (@TracyAnnO) May 5, 2019

We live in an age where often it feels the default response online is to drag, cancel, and publicly shame. But, what’s the opposite of that? Silence?

It’s all too easy to stay quiet when our friends, acquaintances, and colleagues are being vilified. It’s the speaking up and letting them know they’re supported and loved that takes effort and courage. 

Besides, you never know, your message might arrive when the person needs it the most. 

Be kind out there. xx

Subscribe to the newsletter news

We hate SPAM and promise to keep your email address safe